Tenderness to Ourselves: Do We Really Know How to Feel Sorry for Ourselves?

When we hear the phrase “feel sorry for ourselves,” we hardly imagine something nice. We are invincible, tough, and unstoppable, we think. But doesn’t it exhaust you, to never treat yourself gently? We can hurt ourselves so much by not being kind to our stumbles. After all, what is procrastination if not the lack of empathy toward our imperfections and fears? And what is depression if not our absence of self-care in the toughest of moments?

Feeling sorry for ourselves is a form of compassion, but this emotion is often fleeting. And yet, we are our first line of defense, our first allies. Do we know how to be empathetic to ourselves in the most vulnerable of moments? You probably know the answer. But do you know the whys and hows?

Not Weakness — Tenderness

We rarely extend the same level of grace and support to ourselves as we do to our friends and family. So let’s imagine your closest friend facing a rather tricky situation. They reach out to you and share how hurt and tired they are. Would your first reaction be to ignore them? Or would you gently offer your support? 

You are that friend to yourself. You don’t wallow in self-pity — you offer yourself a mental hug and a quiet space to rest while you recover and find the solution. 

Tenderness toward yourself is about acknowledging your humanity in all its forms and liking yourself, not despite that, but because of it. It’s about noticing when you’re hurting, tired, or scared, and finding kindness to help you heal. 

Often, our first instinct is to criticize and start beating ourselves up even more than before. We may look for answers on social media, on websites such as what is liven or Buzzfeed, but this often means ignoring our wants beneath. 

Why do we do that? It’s the ingrained belief that we should rather be stoic than emotional, and that admitting to struggling means giving up. It shouldn’t be this way. 

Why Your Compassion Is Irreplaceable

We often hope that someone else might notice our problems and reach out with compassion, as if being our own cheerleaders and supporters isn’t something worthy. No matter how loving and accepting those connections within your family and friends circles are, the compassion you can offer yourself is unlike any other. 

You know yourself best. You can tell someone an entire story of your life and what you were thinking, and still, they won’t know you as well as you know yourself. Only you can feel all the nuances of your mind. 

You’re always there. People come and go, and even the best friends or the most loving partner can’t be present every moment. You, however, are a constant witness to your own life. You are always here, whether you’re on a trip in the forest, running in a marathon, or alone in your office. 

You hold the ultimate power. No matter how much we think the opposite, only we can make the decisions and push ourselves in the right direction. Others can support, beg, plead, and try all the other stuff, but it’s up to you to make any changes. That’s why, until a person isn’t ready to like themselves, others’ words don’t hold any value. 

What Barriers Keep Us Away

If you cannot fathom why you don’t feel sorry for yourself, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. Sadly, there are hidden guards in our minds that don’t let these gentle thoughts and efforts pass through. 

Social, Cultural, and Gender Expectations

Everyone learns to pick up specific roles, whether consciously or not. Some cultures or families have strict perceptions of character, and admitting to suffering or needing support means failing. There are also gender expectations that affect men and women: women are taught always to be patient and gentle, while men learn that they cannot reach out for help. These narratives can make it feel unnatural, even shameful, to express some self-compassion.

Social Media

Winter Arc Challenge, the 75 Hard Challenge, and so on — our feeds are filled with people mentally and physically pushing themselves to a point that may seem like torture. Many of these patterns are always present, and such initiatives typically garner a huge public following. Even though social media platforms are actively attempting to decentralize these behaviors, most users still massively support physical, professional, and academic overachievement, and tend to show little tenderness toward themselves.

Popular Culture

We all love a good story. Most of them, however, tell about success through persistence and gritted teeth. From classic action heroes like Rocky Balboa rising after every punch, to modern icons like Captain Marvel “powering through” trauma, popular culture shows that the only acceptable way to respond to pain is to rise quickly and quietly. 

Past Experiences and Trauma

We have all come with our hard-learned lessons. We were punished for showing vulnerability or were traumatized by others for being human. And now, while we want to learn how to be gentle toward ourselves, we hear a tiny, ugly voice in our heads mocking us. 

Small Steps Toward Practicing Self-Tenderness

Healing from so many wounds and suffering won’t come fast, but you can start doing it today. These are practices you can integrate into your life right now.

Acknowledge your feelings. Start pausing during the day and asking yourself, “What am I feeling? What do I need now?” This small act of naming the emotion will give you the courage to listen.

You are your friend. If you feel that you’re still using critical self-talk when struggling, pause and imagine you’re talking to a friend. How would you respond to someone like your bestie? 

Start small acts of care. There’s no need to start big. Make yourself a cup of that special tea blend you’ve been saving only for guests, watch a comfort movie, or give yourself a huge hug (seriously, it works!). 

Observe and don’t judge. Empathy means noticing and not being judgmental. As you go through your day, pinpoint what thoughts and emotions arise, not labelling them as good or bad. 

You Know How to Do It

Being gentle with ourselves might feel like a foreign language, but it’s our fear talking. In reality, all of us know what things can bring us joy and make us smile. Listen to where you are hurting, and reach out — not to dig in, but to soothe and let it heal.

By ML Staff