How Culture Teaches Us What to Tolerate

Maybe you have a friend who always 'forgets' their wallet when you make dinner plans. 

Maybe you have a friend who invades your personal space a bit too much. Did you formally decide to tolerate them? No, it just happened. And now… That's how it is. You've accepted them the way they are. So what is this thing that makes us (blindly) accept things that are annoying or even downright wrong? Whatever it is, it sounds scary.

Well, you already know what it is, but you don't even realize it. That little devil whispering bad advice into your ear is called ‘culture’.

It’s scary because there’s no negotiation, no brainstorming sessions, no meetings or anything like that. It replays the same thing over and over and over and over and over until your brain accepts it's normal. It’s almost like this thing called ‘brainwashing’...

Someone tells the same offensive joke for the 10th time, and all you do is roll your eyes. 

Another person is always too loud and tries to dominate the conversation, but what do you do? You sigh and move on. It's not so much that you agreed to put up with this; you simply got used to it. 

Over time, you learned to tolerate situations and people you don't actually like.

 And it happened through exposure, nothing more.

When the Scene Sets the Rules

It's Saturday night, and you're out in a bar. It's crowded, the music is loud, and it's kind of chaotic. Nobody handed you a manual on how to behave when you got in; you're supposed to read the room and keep up with everyone else. 

The problem is that you can't actually think this through in this kind of environment. 

With the music blasting and strangers bumping into you, you shake things off. A stupid comment, an aggressive joke, your brain has a hard time processing it because of the vibe of the place. Your friends are waiting on you to relax and order the next round, so you shrug it off and tell yourself you're overreacting.

You sigh at the joke or at the action instead of telling the person to stop. 

It's normal to be confused and to hesitate. 

The behavior has already been accepted as normal, so you'll ruffle some feathers if you speak up. You'll kill the vibe, and that's frowned upon, isn't it? But there are some things that can't be shrugged off, no matter how much you tell yourself that it's not a big deal. 

Unless you put a stop to what's wrong, it’ll only get worse. 

If things get scary and you experience actual abuse, that's not something anyone should ever be quiet about. Look into getting legal guidance for sexual abuse survivors to hold the guilty party accountable. 

The Things People Learn to Brush Off

At first, you put up with stuff, and it annoys you, but you feel like it's what you need to do because everyone's doing it. Then, after a while, you start to pretend it doesn't even bother you. 

Sad, isn't it?

Here are some things we all get trained to just… Get over it. 

Jokes You're Supposed to Laugh at

You know that awkward laugh that comes out when a joke isn't funny? It's not even a laugh, it's an uncomfortable, strange kinda-laugh.

The mood – if there was any – it’s gone now.

Real reactions aren't exactly welcome here, and if you do this enough times, you'll stop feeling that flinch/cringe inside.

You'll also forget that that cringey feeling is actually your friend; it's a good thing.

Attention That's Almost Mandatory

This guy won't leave you alone, and that one is too friendly and keeps touching you a little too much. If you complain, you're told that "they mean well" or that it's how they are. 

As if that makes it okay, right? 

If you shut it down, though, you need to explain yourself, and people will call you difficult. So you put up with being uncomfortable to not rock the boat.

When No One Else Says Anything

Now, this is a big one. Something happens, and you know it's wrong. You sneak a look around the room to see if anyone else caught it, but they're all looking at their drinks or the wall. Or their phone.

That collective silence is telling you to ignore what happened and move on. 

In fact, it can even make you feel crazy for noticing it.

Conclusion

If you feel like the point of this article was to tell you to become a hall monitor, guess again. That’d be exhausting, plus there’s not much point in doing that.

The entire goal of the article is to point out that this little voice we have in our brain – some call it consciousness, others call it morality – is actually a great advisor. And in most cases, you would do well to listen to it.

Society will try to make you ignore it, and if you do it long enough, it will go silent. And that's a huge loss.

How about NOT being chill at offensive jokes? How about reacting when someone crosses a line? Maybe the next time attention feels icky, you move away from it?

By ML staff. Image courtesy of Pexels.